Logan is 4 weeks old!

Wow, Logan is 4 weeks.  Although this 4 weeks has felt really long in some ways (splitting your life into 3 hour chunks can make the day drag on), I can’t believe he has been here 4 weeks already!  He has changed a lot and he is such a joy.  Charles and I couldn’t be more in love with him and we are so happy to have him as part of our family.  I have been enjoying witnessing the fruits of my labor (pregnancy and breastfeeding) as I watch him get bigger and more capable every day.  He seems so much bigger to us now so I can’t wait to hear his official weight at the pediatricians on Wednesday.  I love his adorable double chins and it is fun seeing his body get longer and chubbier too!  I really am amazed at the strength of the bond I feel towards him.  Being so analytical and technical, I wasn’t sure how quickly I would bond but Logan won me over quick and hard!  I truly miss him when I haven’t seen him in a few hours and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. 

Next week will bring lots of change as we start to prepare to go back to work and train the nanny (Julia).  It is hard to imagine leaving Logan in someone else’s care, but I’m glad I’ll be at home and can still see him and help (and watch, hehe).  I am excited to get back to work in some ways though and see how all my projects are and hopefully be able to contribute to this year’s goals.  I know Charles has missed some pretty crucial planning weeks so I know he is looking forward to finding out what is going on.  However, I think we are both going to be awfully tired as well as missing Logan like crazy at the same time.  I imagine it will take a month or two to figure out a rhythm.
Logan is getting chubbier (he’s so cute) and more expressive and interactive.  He smiles now occasionally at things or us (not just falling asleep like the week before), but it seems like more of a reaction to new stimuli rather than anything in particular, although he really likes his stuffed tigger and that will always calm him down.  He reaches out for things more too.  He will crab at my shirt, mouth or glasses, and will hold on to stuffed animals.  He seems more and more in control of what he ends up doing (although getting it done still can take a few tries). 

We have pretty much abandoned both the rigid schedule and the cry-it-out plan at this point.  We are keeping the pattern of eat, play, sleep (at night only eat, sleep).  The order of events seems important to him and allows us to have some positive awake time and better naps and eating.  We have developed a bed time routine.  I do two laps around the weird wall in the middle of our house and we say goodnight in a soft voice to the living room, empty room, kitchen, and dining room, then into the bedroom where we say goodnight to all the family while rocking back and forth.  Then I kiss him and put him down.  He seems to like this routine.  If he is thrashing right away, I will pick back up and do a few more laps, if he is quiet when I lay him down (even if his eyes are completely open), about 75% of the time it will take (when it doesn’t, over tiredness is generally to blame).
 
We try to be really careful to pay attention to his cues of sleepiness because if he gets even slightly over tired, his brain seems to not be able to let him sleep.  One yawn means, “I’m ready to go to bed.”  It is tempting to wait for the second yawn but in my experience, it is a colossal failure.  If we get the timing right, he will go to bed in the crib and sleep beautifully.  If we screw it up, we have the backup option of the bouncer, with pacifier and Tigger standing guard (literally we prop up tigger next to the bouncer).  The vibrations and cupping part of the bouncer get him in a good position and staring at tigger, vibrating and sucking seem to calm his brain down enough to let him sleep.  Sometimes he doesn’t need the pacifier (depends how distraught he is).  Then he will fall pretty deeply asleep and we can move him to the crib (or at least this is the hope).  Yesterday was the first day of moving him, so we are still ironing out the wrinkles, but it seems like 20 min of pretty good quiet (non spazzy) sleep in the bouncer and we can quickly throw him in the crib (this may be really wrong after a few more tries, who knows).  We aren’t comfy with him sleeping without supervision in the bouncer so we want a way to get him somewhere else so we can sleep at the same time!  I was trying to keep this moving process very quiet, but apparently 20 minutes is enough to absorb some noise because last night I accidently jarred him by stubbing my toe on the bouncer as I went to get him and stubbing my (poor) toe again on the crib as I was going to set him down.  He slept through it all though!  Today I tried to move him in the afternoon and it didn’t work, so we’ll see.

Overall, I am feeling better about being attentive to my baby.  As much as I really respect my doula and her opinion, I don’t believe in the cry-it-out at this age.  It doesn’t seem to me like Logan is really “learning” much at this age.  For instance, every time I pick him up to feed him, he stops crying immediately, then starts again when I go to position myself on the couch and Logan realizes that it is going to take me a minute to be ready to feed.  He then cries relentlessly until he is eating.  If he was really old and mature enough to learn, he would know the food is coming, but he isn’t.  This tells me that cry it out is pointless and maybe the only thing they learn is that crying won’t do anything because nobody cares, versus learning self-soothing.  I never want him to think we don’t care!  Logan is really good about putting himself to sleep, provided we don’t over tire him.  This is something I want to preserve because it is a lot less work for us and ultimately he gets a longer quality sleep period!

We had a pretty frustrating week in terms of Logan’s tummy, bowel movements, and eating.  We started noticing last Monday (I had to look that up; I didn’t realize it was so long) that he started having more episodes of inconsolable crying (Harvey Karp method works, but you have to do most of the S’s most of the time to keep him calm).  Even if you calmed him, he would suddenly freak out and start crying again after a few seconds.  The cry really seemed like a pain cry and we were confused.  Then after a day or two we noticed it really coinciding with his need to poop or pass gas.  If he did poop during this crying process, he would calm down after.  We talked to the pediatrician and they said that the signal to poo can be overwhelming for babies, but it seemed to have gotten so much worse for him suddenly.  Auntie Gina happened to mention broccoli being bad for breastfeeding (not even talking about this) and I suddenly had a light go off that we have been eating tons of broccoli for the last week.  I thought the broccoli was a good thing, lots of healthy vitamins and nutrients for the baby, but apparently some people say their babies don’t do well when they eat it while breast feeding.  So, I haven’t eaten it since Thursday night and Logan seems to be doing much better in the bathroom department.  He is going more regularly again (he had skipped a bm per feeding every once in a while), he doesn’t struggle before he goes, and it all just seems to be simple again.  However, suddenly now he seems to not like feeling dirty, which he didn’t used to mind before.  It makes him more upset and so he won’t sleep, eat or play sometimes if dirty.

This weekend, Charles’ Mom and sister, Gina, came for a visit.  Logan loved all the attention!  It is hard at this point for him to be super entertaining when he eats and sleeps so much but they understood and we all had a great time.  It was great for some of Charles’ family to meet him!  Look for lots of pics on flickr soon!

Happy 3 week Birthday Logan!

This was another wonderful week with our beautiful baby boy, Logan.  However, as before, it has had some ups and downs.  We had 2 bad days (Monday and Tuesday) which helped prepare us for a little hard work starting Logan’s schedule on Wednesday.  Then we had two blissful days of scheduling (and self-soothing) before things fell apart on Friday afternoon.  We then changed course again last night and we’ll see how that goes (keeping schedule, lightening up on self-soothing). 

Logan has been changing this week.  He is showing more expression (facial and body) and interest in the world around him.  He tracks things very well with his eyes (especially his favorite stuffed animals) and he smiles or grunts in response to things.  It is really fun to see him start to respond to us, although still minimally for now.  He loves to just gaze into our eyes (and of course we love it too!).  Strangely, he is getting more difficult to pick up and hold.  This could partly be because he weighs over a pound more than his birth weight according to our home scale (7 lbs 12 oz yesterday), or it could be because he is more active and likes to squirm a lot when we pick him up.  It makes it a little more unnerving to pick him up right now, but I’m sure we’ll adjust.

Here are the basics of the schedule for Logan:  His rotation is eat, awake and then sleep.  The times we do this rotation are 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, 2am (repeat).  The 2am and 6am feedings do not have awake time and are considered night-time (and if he wakes after 12 but before 2, he can eat earlier, but he can’t go less than 3 hours or more than 5 at night).

The eating rotation is at-most 45 minutes.  As our doula Deana says, you get to choose how long the kitchen is open and you try to get them to eat as much as you can in that time (i.e. no sleeping during eating time), and then it closes and if he decides he is hungry afterwards, too bad.  However, if he has had his full at 30 minutes and has slept with prodding for 5 minutes, then the kitchen can close early.  Having this time limit on feeding makes me feel so much more in control and less guilty about good feeds or bad.  I am doing one breast per feeding, since I seem to have enough and that way he gets more of the hind milk (if you do both sides they have to drink all the lean foremilk and get less fatty hind-milk).  I am also then fully pumping the side he just ate off of afterwards (though sometimes I forget or get caught up in activities).  This helps keep up my supply, allows me to stockpile milk, and make my breasts feel better and not overly full (I get about 1 oz per pump or after I skip one pumping at night, about 4 oz per breast).  I am having a little trouble with my right breast (it needs a lot of massage and heat to be happy), but it seems to have improved over the last day or two and I am hopeful it will continue. 

The awake rotation starts with tummy-time for exercise or just gazing at mommy or daddy.  He is often a bit of a snoozer during this, but usually has one good spurt of energy for exercise.  Considering how darn heavy his head is, I am sure it takes considerable effort.  He usually cries while he is lifting his head.  We aren’t sure if he gets annoyed being on his tummy, so then starts fussing and part of that is squirming and he ends up exercising or if he decides to start exercising and finds it hard and starts fussing.  They are almost always linked and almost always start at the same time.  Since awake time is supposed to be positive, we let him squirm a bit (good exercise) and then cuddle him until he is happy (or just flip him to his back which he likes better).  We then play with him on his back or hold him.  His minimum requirement is to stay up at least 1 full hour (so 45 min food plus 15 minutes other), but his goal is to make it an hour and a half.  Sometimes he does and sometimes not, but as soon as he gets too hacked off, or too sleepy, it is time to move to the sleep phase.  Often he was spending most of his time on the mat rather than in our arms and we are going to adjust this moving forward.

The original goal of the sleep phase was to have him put himself to sleep and learn to self-soothe.  He seemed to be really good at this at first, but really started struggling on Friday.  I still think he has some skills, but he needs to have balance in his day to make it work.  Starting last night, we gave up on making him cry-it-out (with occasional comforting), and Charles soothed him and comforted him to sleep for both the 6pm cycle and the 9pm cycle.  He then fell asleep on his own with relatively little cuddling at 2am, and after feeding at 6am.  We don’t want to always cuddle him to sleep (so that if he wakes during his nap he can put himself back to sleep), but if he needs it (crying a few minutes after going down), we will provide it.  We are also going to make sure he is relatively happy, if not always sleepy when he goes to bed. 

The reason we decided to adjust was that Logan seemed really off yesterday.  He stopped eating well (would sleep really deep, despite prodding), then he would snooze or be angry during awake time and cry during sleep time.  Then it would repeat.  Our theory (and yes, we are guessing here), is that he wasn’t getting enough “holding/cuddling” time so when I was feeding him, the contact soothed him and he would fall asleep because he was exhausted.  However, then when feeding time was over, he was hungry and pissed off and wouldn’t be happy awake or asleep.  Then he would cry like crazy during his nap and the cycle would repeat.  We are making the adjustment to cuddle him as part of his awake cycle (maybe 20 minutes tummy time 20 minutes cuddle, but will adjust as necessary), and cuddle him to sleep if he appears to really need it.  Since we made that change, he has been eating MUCH better and has slept better also.  Once he goes down, he stays down.  We’ll see how these adjustments go.  Most websites and books mention crying it out when babies are older, but they don’t talk about whether soothing can work at this age.  If our new plan doesn’t work, we may adjust again, but I don’t feel confident enough that he is ready to self-soothe completely at this age and I don’t think ultimately it was doing good things for him or us!  Who knows, just adding the 20 minutes cuddle time per segment may be all he needed, and then he will put himself to sleep, we’ll see.  We have also done 3 days now where Logan’s 9am cycle tummy time is skin-to-skin on daddy’s tummy.  This is good for him and he likes it.  However, when we are back to work, this may only be accomplished on the weekend, we’ll see. 

Overall Charles and I are still slightly tired, but doing pretty well and having fun doing this parenting thing together.  We are excited for Maria and Gina to visit next weekend.  I hope he squirms a little less so he is easier and more fun for them to hold, but we’ll see.  My arthritis is not great, and I am struggling with calming down enough to sleep and getting enough time in bed in general to help it heal. 

Happy 3 week birthday to our sweet baby boy!  I can’t believe how magical this whole thing has been and I wouldn’t change anything about it (even the sleepless nights).  He is so worth it!

Happy Two Week Birthday Logan!

Sunday Logan turned two weeks old. I can’t believe he has been part of our life for two weeks now.  It has flown by and I can’t imagine our life without him.  On the other hand, the two weeks of exhaustion (plus week of labor), has still been compounding and I feel like I haven’t come close to catching up on sleep, despite actually getting a good number of hours of sleep.  It has been another week of guessing and learning and theories coming and going about what Logan likes and doesn’t like and needs and doesn’t need.  I don’t think we have it all down yet, but I know for sure we are getting closer to figuring this thing out.  Here is where we stand on the main issues:

Logan (sorry for the laundry list, but here are my impressions of my little one) – He is a delightful baby.  He still has his fabulous hair and it always ends up in a faux-hawk no matter what we do (although we love it!).  He is really quite calm and he sleeps well on his own, which I know can be tough at this age.  He does seem to have a radar for when we are about to eat or are just getting comfy and then he will start fussing.  For instance, he has been quiet for about 30 min now, so I pulled out my laptop to finish this post and he immediately started grunting (although I don’t think it will escalate this time).  He has a beautiful smile, which he shows us when he is falling asleep. I am pretty sure he has a dimple on his right cheek but I haven’t gotten a good look at the left yet.  I would love for him to have some of his mommy’s dimples!  He still has a love hate relationship with his arms (he loves them and they keep him from being happy or sleeping).  His belly button fell off Monday, which is an exciting step toward growing up.  We can’t tell if he is gaining weight yet (he still seems so little), but given the amount he is eating and pooping and peeing, I think he will get bigger quickly!  We still can’t tell the color of his eyes yet, they look dark gray with no hint of brown to them, but who knows where they will end up.  He doesn’t seem to like to be held when he is not fussy and falling asleep.  He’d rather be in his crib and stretch out.  If he is fussy though, sometimes he wants to be held and sometimes not.  We are still going through many theories on what might bother him the days he is more off (since most days he is so calm), but I am not sure there is always an explanation.  We are blessed he is calm so often and we need to just keep that in mind on days like Monday where he is more difficult for 9 hours in a row (but thank god for Harvey Karp’s happiest baby on the block that will settle him down, even if in a parent intensive way). 


Nursing – Nursing is probably the category with the least improvement.  Despite my god-given amazing milk supply, feeding has still not been easy for Logan and me.  We have definitely learned (and can’t imagine it will change for a while, no matter how much he thinks it should), that he MUST be swaddled while feeding.  He will actually push me away with his hands or break the latch.  It also frustrates him and he ends up nearly having a fit!  It is a disaster.  Second, he must be really hungry to feed without the nipple shield, even on the left side.  It works, but he goes about 5-6 hours between feeding, which is not ideal.  With the nipple shield, he is now on about an every 3-4 hour schedule.  3 hours during day and 4 hours at night.  We are not making him wait until that time necessarily, but if he is less than 3, we try to comfort him until then and if more than 4ish, will wake him up (although this hasn’t happened in a few days).  The feedings seem to be getting longer and sleepier.  What he used to be able to accomplish in about 20-30 min is now taking about an hour.  It is frustrating, and is very mom-intensive to constantly poke and prod him to keep him eating.  Even still, sometimes he de-latches, falls asleep and won’t relatch.  We have tried now changing his diaper mid-feed or even taking breaks for tummy time but nothing seems to help much  Thankfully, he seems to be a little better at night and then falls asleep really well at end.  During day he may fall asleep in middle and then wake up 90 minutes later and want to eat (after not being willing to fall asleep at all).  Logan is more committed and drinks deeper on the right side than the left now (yes he had a left preference before).  I think there is some combination of necessary pumping to make my breasts not too full for him.  I am still trying to work this out without stealing milk he needs.  Plus, at night I don’t want to pump as much (I’d rather sleep) but then by morning my breasts are very full and he seems to struggle more.  I should take the 5 minutes and just pump because literally that is all it takes and so I shouldn’t sacrifice a future feed for 5 minutes of sleep.


Sleeping – He sleeps really quite well.  We have adapted our routine again based on what seemed to work for him.  He was sleeping great in his crib during the day: conking out and sleeping quietly and soundly until about 15 minutes before it was time to eat when he would stir and eventually cry out.  In the bassinet in our room, he was much more uneasy the entire time, requiring attention and a pacifier often.  This meant he was sleeping worse and so were we!  Two nights ago we tried him in the crib all night and AMAZINGLY this was really successful.  Who knows why, but it works.  We have the baby monitors set up in living room and bedroom so that we can hear him really well even when we are sleeping.  It makes me a little more uncomfy to have him in another room, especially given the small SIDS risk increase when they don’t sleep in your room, but I think him sleeping and then eating well are more important.  He has a little more trouble sleeping during the day the last few days on at least one of the feeding cycles (today it has been from 12-6).  If he doesn’t get a good meal in, it can throw everything off.  In this case, the heater service people were here and I lost track of how much he had eaten and I am not sure he got enough or maybe he sensed my distraction and it affected him too.  I definitely am not ready for trying to feed out in the real world and hope to keep things mellow here, because any distraction (on my part) seems to result in some torment for him (and us).

     We have also worked out a schedule for us that seems to be working.  I try to go to bed shortly after dinner (around 9) and Charles stays up until 1 or 2, depending on the feeding schedule.  I get to sleep with the door shut and no baby monitor.  Charles also puts Logan to bed after the last feeding around 9 and does the diaper changing prepping him for the next feeding (buying me an extra 30 minutes of sleep in that cycle).  This means I have been getting at least two 3 hour chunks the last few nights (his 1-5 or 2-6 cycle is usually 4 hours, so I get 3 hours sleep).  I also then nap after morning feeding and breakfast, and try to nap once during the day.  I think I ultimately get about 8-9 hours of good sleep, but it is still taking me a while to catch up.  Charles sleeps from 1 to 10 or 11 so he is getting good sleep too!


Awake-time – As discussed above, he seems to have figured out that daytime is daytime and nighttime is nighttime.  The first week, he was very alert after nighttime feedings.  Now, he is fairly milk drunk.  I also try to encourage this.  During the day, we do tummy time after feedings and at night, I burp him and then try to feed him a little more so he falls asleep on the breast and then I can put him down really easily.  Although it isn’t perfect, and daytimes have been a bit fussier, it is nice to have it during the day rather than at night! 


Diapering/tummy time/skin-to-skin time – We are getting better and faster at diaper changes and changing him, although he isn’t usually helping ;).  He hates tummy time generally and will fall asleep only to wake up completely once we are done and refuse to sleep for real.  A few times (maybe 4 total) he has done really well with tummy time (out of about 3 tries each day since a week ago).  Skin-to-skin time is supposed to be good for babies but Logan seems to hate it.  He is either too tired, too awake, too full, too hungry, etc.  It results in lots of screaming.  We will keep trying but it doesn’t seem to be his favorite.  Today we combined tummy time and skin-to-skin on daddy’s chest and this seemed good for both of them!  We may try to do that each morning.  He does love his mobile for entertainment and I can’t imagine our life without it!  I think this is part of why the crib is so successful.  It has a white noise setting (great for sleep), and a music setting which we use during diaper changes and also to entertain him while we wash our hands after diaper changes. 


Me and my health – I am doing pretty well.  I had a blissful week without any arthritis pain after delivery but those days are over.  I am struggling now with pain in my ankles and hands mostly (although everything hurts a little).  I tend to flex my ankles when I am feeding Logan (unnecessarily) and also I have to use my hands to help position Logan and that seems to really tire them and my wrists out.  Unfortunately for the hands, this isn’t something I can fix easily.  I am hoping as Logan gets better at eating that I can use more pillows or towels and less me.  My stomach has still not been great, but it has been on and off so I am not spirally out of control.
Emotionally, this two weeks has been quite a rollercoaster.  I would say I have had some of the normal “baby blues” which is to say that I have a cried a few times for absolutely no reason (note: I never cry, especially not for no reason).  However, I would say I am hanging in there well and no signs of actual post-partum depression or anything.  I am also really enjoying being Logan’s mom and when I come to get him after a nap (even if he is screaming bloody murder), my heart skips a beat when I see him and hold him. I am learning about myself that when I am tired, my default mode is to want to quit.  I would not have said in my life I have ever been a quitter, and to be fair, I haven’t quit at anything yet, but it is what goes on in my head over and over again.  When breast-feeding is difficult I think over and over about pumping and bottle feeding him the breastmilk.  I almost fantasize about it.  I have set goals for myself that divide the 4 weeks I hope to breastfeed naturally before introducing a bottle.  When I wanted to quit last week my Doctor said to give it one more week.  That ends today, so now I am going to say give it until he is 3 weeks old (Sunday) and when I get there, I will talk myself into one more week.  Every day and every feeding I make it is good, and I need to be proud of myself and then challenge myself for more.  I also think that the more tired I am, the harder perspective is.  I can have 4 feeds that are okay with good naps and then 1 that isn’t and it will be so demoralizing.  However, this is a great average and I need to just shake off the bad one. 


Charles and I are getting a little less jumpy as new parents and don’t run and jump at every grunt and cry.  We are not ferberizing him at this age, but he will sometimes cry once or twice and then fall asleep again.  We make sure he is actually pissed before we respond.  Compared to two weeks ago, it is so much easier to not react right away.  It used to kill me to hear him grunt, even for a second.  I am not looking forward to actual ferberizing when the time comes though (probably 4 months or so, but maybe he’ll be such a good sleeper, that we won’t have to).

Overall we couldn’t be more pleased with this experience.  I thought I would regret not being a mom if I didn’t do it, but I had no idea how amazing it would be!  Thanks Logan for joining our family!

Labor Story

Short version in Q&A:  People have asked me a few questions about my labor and I realize this is the best way to sum it up:

1. How’d the labor go?  Perfect – I had a vaginal birth without induction (scheduled two days later) where I delivered my healthy baby with no complications or scares (he tolerated contractions like a champion) and no need for forceps or other assisted delivery. 
2. Did the labor go as you expected?  Oh god no, but since it was my first labor, I didn’t intend any of my expectations to be right.  However, I definitely didn’t plan on 5 days of early labor and 4 nights with no sleep leading into the delivery.  I also did not expect to choose to get an epidural, but the situation warranted it (in my view) and I am happy with the outcome and I have no regrets.  I was hoping that I would have more composure in general and especially in pushing (where my epidural had worn off), but it sounds like composure isn’t often a big part of labor and the lack of sleep really made my mental and emotional fortitude low to start with.  Nonetheless, I got the job done and delivered Logan without the doctors needing to intervene, so I am proud of myself!

Long Version (okay really long version):
I had been getting contractions on and off the last few weeks, as is normal, but on Christmas eve I woke up and immediately noticed that my cervix seemed sore/painful.  I didn’t think much of it and headed to the doctor for my schedule ultrasound, doctor visit (with the backup doctor, Dr. Patina Paek since Carolyn Kline was out of town all week) and my non-stress test.  I had the non-stress test first where they measure heartbeat and contractions and on the monitor they picked up 5 pretty intense contractions (which I noticed were increasingly painful).  As soon as the machine was unplugged, I continued to get contractions about every 5 minutes through the ultrasound and waiting for the doctor.  Dr. Paek decided to check my cervix, and said it was about 50% effaced and 1 cm open and 1.5 cm long.  Since labor is defined as a change in the cervix, and it hadn’t been checked since thanksgiving, she couldn’t say whether this was the start of labor but told me to call if anything happened. 

I went home and the next few days proceeded with my trying to rest because movement definitely increased contractions, and I didn’t want to have the baby on Christmas, especially since Kevin, Tara, Luke and Andrew were in town and my family was going to spend Christmas together.  I also was hoping that by resting I could delay labor so my doctor would be back in town (she returned on the 31st).  This worked pretty well and the contractions weren’t overly painful or bothersome (although they continued to come every 5 min or less apart) so I hung out with family and was doing fine on the 24th and 25th. 

The morning of 26th I woke up with my stronger contractions really bothering me.  We timed them for a while (they started about 3 am) and called our doula.  She came but although my contractions were noticeably more painful they were not painful enough or consistent enough to be considered labor so she went back home.  At this point though, the contractions were not terrible if I was sitting or standing but quite painful when I tried to laying down so I was unable to sleep after about 3:00 am on the 26th until after Logan was born).  We decided to stay home from my parent’s house given the increase and my exhaustion (already starting).  We took it easy.  The frequent painful contractions continued until the 29th.  Saturday the 29th, I got out of bed at about 3 am (again) with the pain too bad to tolerate, much less sleep through.  We timed contractions and our doula came over about 6 am again.  The contractions were significantly more painful again, keeping me from talking or thinking through them.  Deana (the doula) helped time them and they got pretty close and consistent (about every 3 minutes and lasting about 1 min 20).  During this, Charles made me gluten-free Christmas Danish, which was awesome!  At about 10 am, while I was in the bathroom, Charles and Deana decided we should go to the hospital if things stayed the same or worse for another 20 min.

However, I got back and things suddenly got less intense (although frequency was similar).  We decided to take out the breast pump and try some nipple stimulation to heat things back up.  At this point, I was exhausted and just wanted the whole thing to move along or stop completely, and since the second wasn’t going to happen, I was for the first!  It seemed to bring up intensity, but then they started coming more irregularly, 4 min, then 5, then 3 min.  We decided after a while to let Deana go home and see what happened.  The rest of the day was much of the same, painful and frequent contractions, no sleep, but nothing that escalated to real labor.

At about 10 pm contractions heated up again and were much more intense now and very regular.  I was getting to the end of my rope and was definitely unable to sleep.  We decided at about 1 am to go to the hospital so that I could get checked and we could decide how to proceed.  I was 1.5 cm dilated when we got there (measuring contractions frequently) so they asked us to walk and see what happened in an hour.  After 1 hour, I was 2 cm dilated.  They said I was probably in labor but that they can’t admit me until I was 4 cm so I had to go home.  I said I couldn’t sleep and they suggested and morphine shot.  I was TOTALLY uncomfortable taking morphine (I don’t want in my blood much less my baby’s) so I turned it down despite having now gone way past the end of my rope in terms of exhaustion. 

We went home and I sat on the couch and Charles crashed next to me.  My contractions were every 2.5 to 3 minutes and extremely painful (especially in my hips and some in my back).  It was agonizing and I didn’t sleep a wink.  I used my hypnobirthing techniques and was able to stay calm and relaxed.  At 4 pm when we got home I made the deal with myself that if I dilated .5 cm in 1 hour at the hospital that if I waited 4 hours at home, I would be 4 cm and we could go back and then maybe they could break my water or something to get things moving; I knew I didn’t have much energy left.  At 6 am I announced to Charles that I wanted to go back to the hospital at 8 am and he said okay (but apparently was asleep, see later).  I also texted and spoke with Deana and told her I was seriously exhausted and that I was pretty sure I was going to get an epidural because at this point I had no energy left to push out my baby (one of the conditions under which I had always considered an epidural). 

At 8 am I woke Charles and told him to call the doctor.  He said “later.” And I (maybe) freaked out and said absolutely no, it had to be now.  He was confused and it turns out he had not actually woken up for our previous conversation.  We called the doctor though, who said to come to the hospital and I got up to use the bathroom before we went.  Charles started packing the bag (again).  When I got to the bathroom, my water broke (game on indeed!).  Things got really chaotic as I was now dealing with a mess (although not all at once because the baby was so low in my pelvis and blocking the flow other than during contractions) and also the contractions were suddenly much worse and my tired brain was struggling.  Charles was very concerned about my stability but I couldn’t follow directions well so we had a few snafoos.  We got in the car though and to the hospital and our doula met us there right away.  They checked me, and I was 4 cm (OH THANK THE FRICKING LORD) so not only was I admitted (the water breaking was enough for that), but I could get an epidural right away (4 cm is the cut off where if you get it earlier it can really slow labor).  They had me strapped to the bed for checking and monitoring which was always the most painful position so I was losing it pretty thoroughly at this point and all ideas of breathing well and keeping calm were GONE! 

They finally walked me over to my delivery room and after being there shortly, Deana suggested Charles go get the bag and move the car (we had left it in the turn-around initially).  As soon as Charles left I started puking my toenails out and could barely breathe, so things were going well (haha).  Thankfully I hadn’t eaten in a while so that was done fairly soon and despite no breathing and a terrible contraction, I didn’t spill anything from my tiny dish (it is funny how proud of myself I was at the time).  They had me back in the torture bed, so I continued to have zero composure as the contractions kept coming.  Eventually the anesthesiologist arrived and I was probably a pretty uncooperative patient, but after his second try, the epidural worked and I got some relief.  Within 5 minutes the pain in my hips was gone (which turned out to be about 80%) of my pain.  Within 20 minutes, the uterus and back pain were gone.  By this point it was about 9:45 am-ish and I got a break until about 1pm.  I rested on and off and answered questions from the nurses.  They weren’t able to monitor my contractions, so Dr. Paek placed a sensor inside me so that they could make sure the baby was doing well during the contractions.  He was ;)

I started noticing the contractions again and definitely some pressure.  I neglected to speak up about the contractions coming back, assuming I was supposed to feel them but it turns out I wasn’t.  Then I tried adding more to my epidural but the machine wasn’t working and somehow the whole thing ended up wearing off.  I was checked and they said I had only a teeny lip of cervix left and could push in a few minutes.  I was very ready and was surprised by how strong the urge to push was.  I had read it is one of the strongest sensations ever and boy was it.  As painful as the contractions were and pushing was exhausting, not pushing was much worse.  We got in a good position and started the pushing process.  We kept one leg on the table and only lifted one (reducing pressure on my hips).  I was soooo tired and it was exhausting.  Charles, was an amazing supportive presence, as I expected.  He physically held me up so I could get better leverage.  They also encouraged me to use the oxygen between contractions to give myself strength (if nothing else, holding the mask gave me something else to think about, which was nice). 

Everyone seemed to think I was doing a good job and you could see the baby’s head.  Having heard stories of people peeing and pooping I wondered whether I would care in the moment, but I can tell you that I wouldn’t care what happened as long as that baby came out of me.  I gave my pushes all I had and didn’t hold back.  I do remember everyone kept telling me to take deeper breaths during the pushing process.  This thoroughly annoyed me because breathing deep was hurting very badly and I was really doing my best.  Charles would lean be forward to push and I realized that although they didn’t want me to lay back during breaths, if I did briefly, I got a better breath.  Without talking about it, Charles and I worked out a system with a quick lean back, a big deep breath and right back at it.  The big breaths did really help once I figured out how to do it. 

I pushed for what seemed like forever and I was sure was about 5 minutes when Deana told me it had been 45 minutes.  At this point, I was thoroughly exhausted and fully lost my cool.  Yes, I will admit that it was COMPLETELY gone.  All of it.  I informed everyone that I couldn’t do it anymore and wanted to quit.  The nurses told me they could redo my epidural but they would have to call the anesthesiologist and it would take another 15 minutes to take effect.  Charles and Deana conspired to empty the room and talked to me about whether I really wanted to try to ignore my contractions for 20-30 minutes or whether I would rather just have my baby in that same time.  I was annoyed at both of them and then a contraction came and I said “fine, I’ll push” because honestly, ignoring the contraction and suffering was worse than pushing (however the two contractions I took off, although terrible gave me a new sense of energy).  Shortly thereafter, I remember Deana announcing the doctor was there wearing a face shield (MUSIC TO MY EARS).  Dr. Paek started stretching my perineum which told me even more clearly exactly where to push (into the pain) and I focused every last drop of energy under the son into making that baby shoot out (seriously I have never worked so hard at something in my life).  Within two contractions, Logan was born at 3:10 pm after 1 hour and 9 minutes of pushing (average for first time mom’s is 2 hours, average!).  I was so out of my body I remember less how it felt for him to come out and more hearing Charles saying “oh my god, oh my god, he’s here!”  [So much of this is a blur and I remember thinking it would be weird to have a room full of doctors and nurses on delivery but I couldn’t tell you who was there besides me, Deana, Charles, Dr. Paek, and Christine, our nurse.  Charles says there was quite a crowd, but boy was that not my focus at the time, nor do I care now.]

Once Logan was born, he was put on my chest and I was immediately relieved of all of my pain (thanksa god, as grandma Angela says).  They let the cord pulsate so that Logan got extra oxygen from it before allowing Charles to cut it.  Then he was moved higher on my chest (now freed of his tether) and his hands immediately grabbed for my face.  I was so overwhelmed to see my baby so close and to know he was healthy and perfect.  They left him on my chest for a long while (I had asked for that) and Charles and I enjoyed looking at what we had made!  I was surprised I wasn’t tearful, but I also didn’t cry in labor so I think I didn’t have energy for crying!  After so much work, it seemed to so crazy to finally be holding our baby Logan!

After a while Logan got cold (apparently I was a clammy mess) so they took him to the warmer and Charles got to go bond with him.  Charles and the nurses also gave him a quick bath and got him all diapered, weighed, measured, low-jacked, and footprinted.  He came back to me quickly for bonding and breast feeding.  I asked, and they respected that we get quite a bit more bonding time (although we got a good chunk up front) before any immunizations.  I got to try to feed him (which worked a little) and then just hold him skin-to-skin.  It was amazing.  I really got to get a good look at him.  Although at this point I realized I recognized him very much close but if someone took him across the room he didn’t seem as familiar to me.  Probably that initial imprinting right after birth worked for close up but I had to learn to recognize him across the room.  Now from any distance I know he’s mine ;). 

Shortly thereafter, everything calmed down.  We were basically left with Logan to do what we want with assistance from the Nurse.  Our doula left, and my parents came up to say hello.  Logan got his first and only trip out of our room during his hospital stay from my parents while I got out of bed for the first time.  I love that our hospital doesn’t take the baby out of the room for anything!  After that, we settled in for a quiet night of the three of us (with the occasional nurse checking in).  Our hospital has a nurse assigned only to you during delivery and she never leaves (other than to pee, etc.), which was amazing and we loved our nurse Christine.  After that there is a nurse who just checks on you occasionally, which is also perfect so you can figure some things out on your own and bond as a family.  We dosed lightly all evening and night (both frantically waking at every weird sound from Logan).  We also both fell trap to the poke-the-baby-to-make-sure-he’s-alive-trap, which is never a good idea!  It was a wonderful peaceful first night as parents and it was fun to be doing it with Charles.

The only slightly complication was that Logan had low blood sugar after delivery.  We knew that my blood sugar, although really well controlled during the pregnancy, was a little high the last week because of the protracted labor and flaring arthritis.  Because of this, Logan’s system adjusted to making more insulin to compensate for the sugar in the blood coming through the placenta.  After delivery, when only eating small amounts of colostrum, this insulin made his blood sugar dip.  After 1 low reading we were give two options.  One, keep feeding just colostrum and hope it goes up a bit (it was only a smidge low), but if it is low again he would have to go to the NICU, where they would feed him formula and he wouldn’t get to stay with us.  Or, we could supplement my feedings with a little tube and a tiny bit of formula (which came out of tube when he sucked on my nipple), and if he had 3 good readings in a row, they wouldn’t have to test his blood sugar any more (no more heal pokes), and no threat of NICU.  We decided on the second.  I couldn’t stand to gamble that they might take him to the NICU and away from me and I figured as long as he wasn’t given a bottle, the formula wouldn’t kill him.  It did make his poop smelly for a bit but it is back to normal now (much harder to tell when it is time to change the diaper). 

Otherwise, it was peaceful and the next day our friends Michael and Cam (who are delivering today, 1/10), and Jared and Becky came by briefly to visit and we also saw my OB, Dr. Kline twice.  We left at about 5 pm and came home.  My parents met us at home and we settled in for a nap since we hadn’t slept much at the hospital since we were watching Logan breathe (haha, I wish I was joking). 

It was truly a difficult but wonderful experience and I am so thankful for the hospital staff, doctors, birth team (Charles and Deana) and all the support from family and friends.  As hard as it was, I am already ready to say we are definitely going to try for a second kid (though not for another year or so). 

Happy week birthday Logan!

Note - i have been doing a lot better job writing these than editing and posting, so I am going to start just posting as they come or writing in chunks without trying to make it seem organized.  Maybe in a month or two I can get back to that, but for now i will go with content over editing!

(Written 1/6/13)
Charles and I can’t believe an entire week has gone by, holy smokes!  In about 15 minutes from when I am writing this, Logan will turn a week old.  Not going to say it has been an easy week, but it has flown by and been full of the most powerful emotions I have ever felt in my life.  I have always been protective of friends and family and especially Charles, but nothing like what I feel for this little guy.  Leaving the room that he is in is so hard!  I am so in love with Logan and I didn’t expect the emotions to be so powerful so quickly!

This week has had a lot of steps forward and of course steps backwards.  At first, we thought that once we found a solution to a problem, then that problem was fixed, HA!  So I think night 3 he slept a few chunks alone and we thought that he would do that from then on.  I am now realizing that it should give you a glimmer of hope, but don’t start planning on it because it is just as likely it won’t happen.  That day, neither of us napped, thinking we’d get plenty of sleep at night and it made for a really exhausting shrieky evening (Logan’s shrieks, not ours).

We are still learning and adapting though.  We are both getting quicker and better at diaper changes (though our doula made it look like we were glacial, so we can still improve).  Logan is also learning to sleep on his own and each night has had at least one segment (two last night) where he slept for 3 or so hours on his own without waking.  His feeding is probably the most complicated.  He was feeding pretty well originally with a football hold and a nipple shield (to help him latch), but then my milk started coming in too strong and he started to drown since gravity was helping the milk go quicker in that hold.  We switched to cross cradle, which is in front and means gravity is not helping anymore.  Also, although the nipple shield originally helped Logan latch, he has gotten less and less interested in it and actually will fight against it.  We were getting to the point where he wouldn’t eat with it and wouldn’t even try, so it wasn’t worth it.  So now we are going all natural, but he can’t seem to figure out how to latch consistently, especially on the right side.  We have been trying since 8pm last night and finally had some success.

(written 1/9/13 early morning)
Breastfeeding has also been one step forward to steps back. We have continued with the natural style but he will only feed on the left side.  However, this went from being a consistent easy-ish process to a nap/scream filled struggle.  He woke up this morning around 6:15am, clearly ready to eat (he had eaten a good meal at 1:30 am, and really he is supposed to eat every 2-3 hours but he never likes that).  I brought him out to feed him and although enthusiastic, he couldn’t figure out how to latch.  Then he falls asleep.  10 minutes later he’ll wake up and we’ll repeat.  It is now 7:15 and he hasn’t actually drunk any milk.  It is frustrating because I know I can’t put him to sleep (he is too hungry to sleep), but he won’t eat either.  Luckily, he will comfort-snooze where one of us can usually hold him and keep him happy (although this has its limits too, especially for Charles). In this hungry state, he seems to prefer snoozing on or near me (he is next to me now) rather than Charles.  This whole process has made nighttime feedings super miserable because it is not just 15-25 minutes of “feeding” but an hour of struggle, plus often at night he likes to be awake and alert and won’t want to fall asleep.  However, last night I did sleep a decent chunk between 3:00 am and 6:00 am.  However, nothing makes it harder to fall asleep than the pressure that if you don’t do it quickly, you are losing sleep because you have to be up in a finite amount of time. 

I have also started pumping my right breast, which has been good since he won’t drink from it.  This has allowed me to already store about 12 oz of breast milk in less than 24 hours.  I am glad that although not everything is easy, milk supply does not seem to be an issue for me.  This is making it super tempting to switch him to bottle feeding, but I talked to my doctor about giving this thing one more week.  That seemed a lot more doable yesterday than this morning at 7am after three more epic battles to get him to feed, but we’ll see.  I also have the haunting pediatrician’s recommendation in my head that he eat every 2-3 hours.  At this point, he hasn’t eaten for 6 hours and she made a comment about their bodies needing food regularly, unlike us, so I feel like a bad mom, even though I know I am doing all I can.  It makes it impossible to just say “fine, no food until the next feeding” though.  Which means now 5 times since writing this I have re-offered him food when he seemed hungry, but after a few initial latching attempts, he falls back asleep.  I like knowing I have the option of pumped breast milk if this doesn’t work, but it also makes me want to give up at moments like this. 

(written later in day - and yes I am sure this post seems officially schizo)
He has been doing better today.  We have decided to ignore conventional wisdom about feeding times and go with his cues to us.  This has led to better and longer naps and better and longer feedings and better and longer awake happy time.  All in all it seems successful and he is has still had plenty of diaper changes to show he is getting what he needs!

He is such a sweet boy and we are seeing more smiles and expressions from him.  He also has been doing more tummy time (with intermittent success of actually doing baby exercises versus just taking a nice nap).  We have been doing the tummy time on my baby blanket, which my mom restored beautifully.  It is fun to see my son on a blanket I remember being so connected to (I slept with it on top of my comforter probably until about high school because it always just felt right to have it near me).  He also loves his mobile (thanks Aunt Tina), and will stare at it for a long time (see flickr video).  This is great when we can’t console him any other way or just for washing hands.  It also has a white noise setting and he took a pretty epic nap yesterday under its clicking/white noise setting while mom and dad got to actually eat dinner at the same time.  He also is opening his eyes wider and wider and gazes into our eyes, which is so much fun!

Well, I am looking forward to what the next week will bring.  Hopefully we will continue to improve in some areas and get to learn more about who Logan is!
If you haven't checked out our flickr page, go to:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/charlesandkatie/

Birth – Welcome Logan Watt McClintock (written on 1/1/13)

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe he is finally here.  This blog is brought to you by me with my writing companion, Logan, napping next to me!  I really can’t believe he is here and neither Charles nor I can believe how much in love with him we are.  It is crazy that no amount of tiredness makes me not yearn to be with him, hold him, kiss him, and love him.  Conversely, hearing him cry or worrying there could be something wrong with him tears me apart!  When Charles is holding him, it is so fun to come around the corner and see him gazing with love and pride and his beautiful son! 

Alright, now for the stats: Logan was born 12/30/12 (Sunday afternoon) at 3:10 pm.  He weighed 6 lb 10 oz and was 19.5 inches long.  He was perfectly healthy at birth (much to Mom and Dad’s relief) and got a 9 on his APGAR.  Most amazingly, he has an incredible head of hair (about 1 inch long).  He also has the most beautiful skin (not shrivelly like so many babies).  All the nurses and staff were so smitten with him and couldn’t stop commenting on what a cute baby he is (of course the first comment was always about the hair).  Although cute was not an important factor, it is fun to see such an adorable baby, especially because his appearance at birth is so similar to Charles.  There is nothing cooler than gazing into the eyes of my brand new baby and seeing a reflection of my soul mate! 

I’m going to save the birth story for later (the important part is he came out), and for now focus more what he is like and what our lives have been like since he joined our family.  In utero, Logan always had his hands by his face (making ultrasound pictures quite weird looking).  He is no different on the outside (although now his long nails can do a lot more damage to his poor face! – Daddy filed them down this morning thankfully).  He loves to have his hands near his face and refuses to nurse if I don’t let his hands free from any swaddling device.  He loves to suck, and this is both a blessing and curse.  Diaper changes and comforting him are made easier by the fact that it is a nearly bullet proof way to get him to stop freaking out if he is crying himself into a fit.  However, it also seems to be a little bit of a hitch in the self-soothing process.  He absolutely NEEDS to get his hands in his mouth, which he can sometimes pull off, but he will keep himself awake and then piss himself off because he is unable to do this consistently.  If we bind his arms down he will struggle forever.  Even now that we have introduced a pacifier (as of about 1 hour ago), he is still fighting to get his arms out of the swaddle (although if I let them out he just jolts himself awake!). 

He is very sweet and loves to gaze at us in the eyes (which we could do forever).  Of course I don’t know how other babies are but he does seem to get frustrated very quickly which can make lots of things difficult at times.  My milk came in today but the let down each feeding isn’t immediate and he is willing to suck 3 or 4 times, but then starts freaking out when milk doesn’t come out.  I am going to work on getting the let down before we start, but I have learned in the meantime that if I repeat the process of latching, sucking 3 or 4 times, screaming, etc. and then once I see milk, I hold him to my chest and calm him down, then he will go back and latch on and feed consistently. 

We have been unsuccessful in getting him to sleep on his own so far but we are getting mighty close.  The use of the woombie swaddle, the addition of the pacifier, and my milk coming in seems to be a winning combination.  He was in the bassinet with us for about an hour tonight but he isn’t quite a pro yet at it all and kept gurgling and crying often enough that no one got any sleep.  I brought him out here though and he is perfectly content to chill on the couch next to me (something he has NEVER been willing to do, even for short periods).   I am hopeful that later tonight or tomorrow we will have this all figured out. 

He is also a classic boy and has peed on Charles 3 times during diaper changes.  In fact his first 3 “wet diapers” were really wet people!  We are improving our technique, but he seems to be getting more clever as well, I swear! 

We are so thankful for the help of my parents who have come over to baby-hold while Charles and I sleep (or get things done).  It is a win-win because they love the baby and we need the time, but really it we are winning because without the extra hours of sleep they have given me, I would have really been struggling (see upcoming birth story).  Many friends have made offers too, so we’ll have to set up some sort of rotation of this sleep thing doesn’t work out soon (although I know it will).

I am healing well and feeling pretty good so far (though I fear I am coming down with some kind of cold).  The biggest struggle for us both right now seems to be taking care of ourselves (how cliché).  Of course sleep suffers, but I have not been remembering to eat or drink enough.  Of course being up at night really screws up the schedule and makes this even more of a struggle.  On top of that, I have been struggling with nausea, which makes eating unappealing and ultimately not super rewarding.

It has been fun to be first time parents and it has been so funny to see ourselves fall into the same trap as others.  The first night in the hospital we were both waking up every time Logan made a noise, or didn’t make a noise, worrying about whether he was okay.  It has faded slightly, but our worlds now revolve around him and his health and safety are our number one concern.  At the hospital they had to check Logan’s blood sugar (because of my occasionally high blood sugar from medication in pregnancy).  I literally started crying when he was shrieking as they poked and squeezed his little foot.  I didn’t expect such a strong emotional reaction, but watching him hurt is AWFUL!

Tomorrow we go back to the hospital for Logan’s check-up.  Hopefully he won’t have lost too much weight (he was down 5% after 24 hours, which was fine).  Since my milk came in pretty early, I am hoping that will help.  We then will see the pediatrician in a week. 

I just can’t believe he is ours and I can’t believe he is here.  We are so excited to have him be part of our family!